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Why me?

Have you ever wondered why you were chosen for a certain path in life? Why no matter how much you try to give to others and be a good human, it seems like you’re getting the short end of the stick? I have asked myself “why me?” so many times in life. In my twenties some sort of life altering event has happened every 2 years it seems like. Not all are bad, but definitely set the course for a life change. I made the very hard decision to end my engagement at just 22, right after graduating nursing school and venturing into the uncharted territory of adulthood. I guess I was starting off my “independence” with anxiety about being a new grad nurse with a side of heartache. At 24 my best friend, also know as my Dad, suffered a pulmonary embolism that caused cardiac arrest. He coded several times and this caused him to have severe oxygen deprivation to his brain. It was the perfect storm of events that all came together and he ended up passing away two days later. His passing was a sucker punch that knocked me deep into a dark depression. I spent the next almost two years trying to escape the grief I felt from losing him so early and unexpectedly. I finally started making headway into moving from actual depression to “normal grief”. (Which honestly what is normal grief anyways? Not feeling apathetic about if you’re alive or not, not feeling so numb that you don’t care about anything, or not having constant night terrors? Either way, it still hurts.) That’s when I felt it, my lump. I had just turned 26. Cue Act III of the life changing event every 2 years. Enter scene; breast cancer. I mean honestly, if I didn’t already have a dark sense of humor to cope, I think my twenties would have brought it on anyways.

I am really good at putting on a mask and telling everyone that I’m good, life’s great. Internally I may be crumbling. I don’t like burdening others. I just want to take the focus off myself and do what I can to help others and fly under the radar. It’s hard to do that when crappy things keep happening in your life though. I often would sit up and night and just think why me? I would pray and cry out to God, why are you letting me suffer so much? Am I doing something wrong? Why does it seem like I have a sign on my back that says “give this girl some more grief!”? After sitting with all these questions I would then think about how there are people that have it so much worse than I do and I shouldn’t be in a pity party. Those thoughts would then spiral into shame and I would beat myself up for complaining or feeling bad for myself, because I have been blessed in so many ways. It honestly was/is (because let’s be honest I still do this from time to time) such a vicious cycle.

I’m going to let you in on a secret. Bad things happen to everyone. Grief, heartache, cancer, divorce, loss; these things don’t discriminate against age, gender, race, socioeconomic status, whether you’re a good or bad person, etc. They don’t care who you are. It is so easy to spiral down into negative self talk, pity parties, depression and anxiety. But what does all that negativity do for the big picture? Nothing but makes you feel worse and get stuck in a rut. It certainly doesn’t help you move forward or thrive! I’m a Christian and I know that all of these things that have occurred in my life were God allowed and part of His plan. I don’t mean the cliche phrase of “God only puts his biggest burdens on those that can carry them”, because that’s not true. Bad things, devastating things, true tragedies happen to everyone. Does this mean I was mad at God or felt like he didn’t care about me? No, not at all. If anything all these trials made me stronger in my faith. It made me talk to God more and build my relationship with Him. Jesus was the God Man, he felt physical pain, grief, sadness and disappointment. I knew that He understood this pain and disappointment I was going through. I knew that God gave me these trials for a reason. I have met so many amazing people and developed so many friendships as a result of my Dad passing and my cancer. I met my amazing fiancé after ending a relationship that wasn’t right. God has used my trials to give me a voice to help others, spread awareness, and show empathy to others in similar situations. He has shown his mercy and blessings in the way things fell into place with my care and providers. He allowed me to hear about Project Pink’d and gave me the push to get involved. So yes, I still have days where it sucks and I’m sad, frustrated and down and ask myself why me? But then I remember how wonderful life can be when you stop living in a state of constant worry and a pity party for yourself. I remember that I am a child of God and He has a plan for my life, I just have to follow His lead. Right now I feel that my plan is to use my experience to help others starting out or going through their own journey. To be a shoulder to lean on, a friend to cry with, a listening ear to vent to, and a source of encouragement. Instead of asking why me in a negative way, I’m working on asking why me, Lord? What is your plan? How can I turn this situation into a positive one and spread your glory? I’m learning to thrive and not just survive, to truly blossom this extremely hard experience into something beautiful.

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