My phone didn’t ring at all from the medical center Thursday. However, I got a call Friday morning that I needed to come back for biopsies. They wanted to biopsy both of my breasts. I guess they found areas of concern in both. I remember thinking, go figure…even in cancer, my OCD had to take it up a notch and make things symmetrical. Annoying.
I went Friday for an MRI-guided biopsy again and yet again. The final biopsy was on Sept 2, it was a Friday. For the last one, I had to ask for something to help calm me down. I literally could not make myself get in that tube again. The last one was over an hour. I counted the spins the entire time! We had a Colorado trip planned the next morning and I kept thinking how am I going to shelf the worry to enjoy this time with my family. I don’t want the kids to worry. I don’t want them to see my fear. I felt that if they saw that they would believe it was something I can’t win. I’ve always fought, what would they think of me now?
The mountains were beautiful and so peaceful. Unfortunately, my soul wasn’t. It was filled with worry. My anxiety was on overdrive. I have literally been waiting for this answer for over 15 days. That is a long time if you are not in the right mindset. And fear has decided to move in and order new curtains cause it’s planning on staying a while. The rabbit from Alice in Wonderland kept popping into my mind. I wanted to call the medical center and say you’re late, you’re late ⏰ for a very important date! And that date was calling me to say the results! I continued to wait for another 5 days.
I got the call on a Thursday. I was home and just heading down to my room. My husband was on the couch in the basement, in eyes view. My Dr said, "Hi Angie …You aren’t driving are you?"
"Umm no." At that very moment, I remember my body just got hot and I swear the only thing I tried to do was not make eye contact with Dave cause he will be able to see my emotions and I didn’t want to alarm him.
She went on to say it’s positive positive negative ducal carcinoma. It is at 9-12 on a clock ⏰. I heard her talking but all it sounds like in my head was RUN RUN RUN GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION CAUSE IT SUCKS !!
"Wait what did you say?" I was busy trying to remember the kind my aunt called and told me she had. Negative, positive what?
"You have cancer, it’s going to require surgery. I have you set up to see the surgeon tomorrow afternoon at 4 pm. Are you able to make that appointment?"
"Well, it’s the best kind you can hope for."
My aunt had received the exact diagnosis, same breast, location, milk duct, and everything. Identical. Guess we both have the top shelf cancer. Never thought best kind and cancer could be buddies and share the same sentence. I looked over at my husband and my face must have told the story without a sound. He quickly hung his head into his hands and found focus on the floor.
I had to have her repeat the diagnosis again but this time I took a pen and wrote ++- , top shelf.