Skip to main content

The fear that could’ve killed me.

Here’s the Facebook post I shared over a year ago on the one year anniversary of finding out that I had cancer. I usually don’t share things like this but I have learned that when I share my vulnerabilities and my truth I can find healing in the process.
One year ago I heard those words no one ever wants to hear "you have cancer." I had avoided the Dr for years but after a God nudge that woke me up at 1 am that week, I thought I better get my "irritation” checked out. After a visit with a dr, a mammogram, and an ultrasound the radiologist came in (which I found out later isn’t normal) with “that look” and began to explain to me what cancer looks like as he showed me my ultrasound pictures. My mind kept screaming “NO! my mom was 54 when she got cancer - I’m only 50 - NO, NO, NO.” I just went numb - between the tears and my fear and just wanting to call my husband it was all kind of a blur. I snapped a pic of the ultrasound machine and sent it to Brian saying it’s not good. My doctor's nurse hugged me as I came out of the ultrasound room and said that my dr wanted to see me again. My dr (who I just met that day) gave me a big hug and said “you’re going to be ok.” She then told me that she is a breast cancer survivor. The rest is pretty blurry - and the year since then has been full of ups and downs but through it all God is good! I’ve seen His love surround me in so many ways during this year and so today I want to share my truth so that if there’s someone else out there that feels this way you will know you’re not alone. I avoided the doctor's office for years because I’m terrified of the number on the scale. I’ve let it define my self worth since I was 14 years old and this time that fear could’ve killed me. I battled an eating disorder in my teen years that not only effected my view of myself but also wreaked havoc on my metabolism and from there on out it’s been a battle. I’m still working on it and so for now I just tell the nurses who make me get on that scale every visit -“please don’t tell me - my mental health can’t handle it today” on those days when I’m feeling vulnerable. I refuse to let the enemy make me think that I’m anything else than God’s precious daughter. So ladies, please get your mammograms, trust your instincts and don’t let a number determine your self-worth. You are a precious child of God & You. Are. Loved.

Powered by Firespring